My Personal Experience of Miscarriage
I was guided to write about my experience of miscarriage, as I was helped by a few of the personal stories I read online. If this issue is still somewhat hidden or taboo, then I hope this also contributes to widening the conversation and sharing our loss and suffering with open hearts.
Everyone’s experience of miscarriage is unique, whether you have been affected directly or indirectly, so please honour your own needs and process. And I hope that this blog can be of comfort to you or someone you know.
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Mine was a silent miscarriage, not picked up until the first scan at 12 weeks.
It was like an invisible arrow had lodged itself inside my heart. Only on seeing the scan pictures was it as if someone had pulled out this arrow, which had been there all along, and my heart started bleeding.
The grief was immense and deep, pouring from the very depths of my being.
On the morning of that scan, the skies had turned from days of glorious sunshine to dark grey and miserable rain. I remember thinking how odd, this one singular day of heavy rain during these weeks of beautiful sunshine. And then it made sense, for me at least.
I had moved from being connected with all the pregnant women in the world, to being connected with all the women experiencing miscarriage.
The grief and loss is devastating, painful and utterly heartbreaking.
Saying goodbye to my baby’s soul and all of our dreams that were just beginning, is an aching process and long process, which will no doubt continue to echo throughout my life.
Something I heard during this time, which I found comforting, was that “a Soul is a Soul, no matter how long or short their time here on Earth”. And it’s true that we ordinarily measure the value of a life by their time, but perhaps there is a different way to see the gift of a life.
Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Mark Gunn
The physical process of miscarriage was related to the emotional process of letting go, for me.
It took 3 weeks of grieving, rituals and treatments, until my body was ready to let go. It clung so strongly to the potential for life, and I deeply respect my body for that. It allowed me the time and space I needed to express a meaningful and heartfelt goodbye.
I had the opportunity to practice a beautiful ritual for letting go and planting a new dream with the Centre for Systemic Constellations. And I was guided through a second ritual at a river, to let go of my baby’s soul. Both were deeply supportive of my inner processes and they honoured the life of my baby, while allowing her her freedom.
Along with the rituals, I took raspberry leaf tea and Black Cohosh herbal remedy to support the shifts in my body and hormones. And finally, reflexology ushered in the final shift in body, hormones and energy necessary to bring about a natural physical miscarriage.
I was very glad to have read Pavla’s story in particular online, so that I was expecting a ‘mini-birth’. This turned out to be very accurate. Bleeding and mild cramping began and lasted for about 8 hours, when the pain became very strong and the contractions started to become more frequent.
My instinct was to be in a bath, like a birthing pool, and the contractions came every few minutes with incredible pain. This lasted a few hours, during which time I wondered if the pain would ever stop or even if I might die - it was that intense.
The pain continued though the contractions became less frequent. I needed to be outside, and I was so grateful for the Earth, the coolness and softness of the air and the darkness of the night sky. (As Pavla’s account said, it would have been usual for women to give birth overnight)
Now, my miscarriage birthing experience had a second stage, which may be beyond the norm…
I had reached such a profound and liminal state of consciousness, that went beyond the physical body and yet was deeply rooted through the unbelievable pain awash in my body, that the usual structure of my self was dissolving. I began to release deep trauma and pain through intense whole-body shaking, much like in trauma release exercises. I had experienced spontaneous and facilitated trauma release before, but not to such an enormous extent.
The entire process of miscarriage - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual - was like a deep cleansing. It took me beyond and yet more deeply within my self than ever before, and it reset my whole system. Just like birth I suppose.
holding-3 by Marie in NC
I am forever changed.
I experienced the miracle of life for a brief time, and I will always be different for it. So, I am grateful.
I learned what I am capable of as a woman, of the life and pain and grief and letting go that I am able to hold, to feel and to release. I learned even more deeply of my connection to nature, and of the immense support the Earth and the elements hold for us at all times - and particularly in times of difficulty.
The need for self care during and after miscarriage cannot be underestimated. I thought I was pretty good at self care, but this experience shifted that to an entirely new level.
Physically, the experience of miscarriage is very demanding on the body, and so excellent self care should be practiced. I needed plenty of sleep and rest during the day, simple and nourishing food, warmth, fresh air and nature.
Even the simplest of tasks took up an enormous amount of physical and mental energies. Re-engaging with the everyday world was a bizarre experience at first, and difficult to adjust to normal social conversations when I had been wrapped in the blanket of loss, letting go and the altered state of a ‘mini-birth’ and trauma.
I think it is a process that should be deeply revered and respected - and talked about. So many women and their families have walked or will walk this journey of pregnancy loss - of deep, personal, heartbreaking loss. If this is you, then I urge you to take the time you need to grieve and let go, to seek care and nourishment for your healing, and to share your story in ways that support your heart.
If you have experienced miscarriage or loss of a baby, I wish deep love and peace for you and your baby’s soul.
WHAT I FOUND HELPFUL DURING & AFTER MY MISCARRIAGE:
Bach Rescue Remedy for the shock and grief
Sunshine, the Earth & nature - plenty of time outside
Reflexology to assist the physical process, grounding and re-balancing hormones
Black Cohosh to encourage a natural miscarriage, rather than medical intervention. Please see a qualified herbalist if you are considering taking any herbal treatments.
Information and leaflets by The Miscarriage Association, particularly Pavla’s account of a natural miscarriage at home
Rest, rest and more rest. Quiet space and peaceful environments.
Raspberry leaf tea (for the uterus) and Rose tea (for emotional healing)
Miso soup, yogurt and other fermented products or those with natural pre- and probiotics.
Plenty of green vegetables and foods. As a supplement to boost recovery, I recommend Amazing Grass Raw Reserve.
Good people & their love and warmth
I was very lucky to be surrounded by an abundance of good friends and family, because I had told quite a few people very early about my pregnancy. I am glad of this, because I had so many people to turn to for love, listening and sympathy. Of course, this is a personal preference in going through the grief process.
The warmth and care of others was (and continues to be) absolutely essential to my healing and rejuvenation. To all of the beautiful people who expressed so much support, care and empathy - thank you.
I was also guided in my process of letting go and rebalancing by Bella Aris, of Oxford Well Woman. If you are outside of Oxfordshire then you may like to seek a massage therapist or reflexologist in your area.
This post is dedicated to all the unborn and lost babies, with great love and gratitude for gracing us with your presence.
For support, please see the comprehensive resources from the The Miscarriage Association at www.miscarriageassocation.org.uk
Their helpline (UK) is open Monday - Friday 9am-4pm. Call 01924 200799
For female support in Oxfordshire through reflexology and massage with Bella Aris, visit Oxford Well Woman at www.oxfordwellwoman.co.uk
For support and nourishing care during and after your miscarriage, email bryony@creativesoultherapies.com