Remembering And Including The Unborn And Lost Babies
I have recently completed the Foundation training in Family and Systemic Constellations (with the Centre for Systemic Constellations), credited to Bert Hellinger as the founder of this methodology.
Central to this philosophy and practice is that everyone belongs. This is true in any given system (work, community etc.) - and most importantly in family systems as they exert such a strong influence on who we are, our life path, and experiences in the world.
Belonging, of course, is a deep human need.
And in the work of Constellations it becomes apparent that the need for belonging is not limited to the current or living family members.
The influence of previous generations, their trauma and triumphs, continues to exert a strong effect on their descendants.
Where there remain unresolved and unspoken issues from the past, it acts like a ‘gap’ or ‘void’ that descendants unconsciously feel. Like an unnamed place at the table.
Other family members then step into the shoes of those who came before - becoming entangled in the life of an ancestor. This is a sense of loyalty to the family of origin, honouring the need for all members to be remembered.
Of course, this is limiting to the life of the current family member who, through becoming entangled in some way, is attempting to remember the family member that has been forgotten or excluded, at the cost of their own freedom and personal potential.
Fall in line by Blondinrikard Fröberg
At the Buddhist temple Hase-dera in Japan, statues are placed by parents for the safe passage of their unborn babies into the next life. These are dedicated to Jizo, the deity who protects the souls of children lost through miscarriage, stillbirth or abortion. I think it sounds a beautiful place to visit, one with so much respect and remembering for souls who left so early.
In Western culture, there is some shame and stigma around discussing unborn babies, and this is especially true if we look historically at abortion, and the shame that was felt around it. There will be many families who carry these secrets, whether unconscious or conscious but unspoken.
These might also include other siblings or children earlier in the family system who were lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or sudden infant death syndrome.
These secrets create the ‘void’ that is felt at an unconscious level in the family system - and someone will instinctively and unknowingly fill it, out of loyalty to their forgotten family member or ancestor.
Importantly, each and every unborn or lost baby belongs to the family system, must be recognised and given their place. We must see them, and honour their life and fate - however short or tragic.
In this way the current family members become free to live their own unique life - they can step into their own shoes. Rather than excluding or forgetting any particular family members, the approach of radical inclusion is immensely freeing.
So the need becomes clear to recognise and honour all of the people who have come before you. To name each person, if that information can be discovered. To even re-order yourselves if necessary, if sibling order is changed for example. Then everyone has their rightful place.
The ancestors celebrate when they are remembered and included! And when seen, the purity of the soul of a baby is a true gift and blessing to all of the family.
Resolve unconscious family entanglements with bryony@creativesoultherapies.com